Love Mess

What a mess I am in. My heart literally feels torn into pieces right now, over none other than my boyfriend. As of November we will have been together for two years, peaking my longest relationship time. But this past year and eight months has not been an easy road. While all things started out smoothly, they quickly escalated into choppy waters.

We were going out just six months when we both went home for the summer during a break at college. The distance between us was an hour and a half. Because he felt like he wanted to join the Navy he made no plans to return to school in the fall, which stressed our relationship to the max. After only going out six months it was hard to imagine staying with someone who would be gone on and off for four to six years. It was hard enough being separated between May and August.

It ended up being between May and January that we were in separate places. It actually became worse in August, since our college and his home town are over two hours apart. While thirty minutes doesn't seem like such a big difference, the extra hour to the overall trip adds up in gas and time. We fought about him coming back, how often we spoke, etc. and it was decided in the end that it wasn't the right time for us if he went into the Navy. So he actually decided not to go into the Navy and to go back to school.

When he came back in January I was ecstatic. We were living in the same dorm building, and I got to see him every day. I didn't have to worry about splitting my two open weekends a month between him and my family, which can cause some sore toes. We had a great four and a half months before he went home for the summer and I stayed in our college town. I rented space with a friend in her apartment so I could stay close to my job. I thought that Garrett would be doing the same thing, but he gave me a last minute shock when he told me two weeks before school let out that his plans had changed and he was going home.

I made him promise then that he would come back in the fall. He easy breezy told me there would be no problem.

Once living with my roommate in an apartment, I saw I didn't want to go back to the dorms and started planning living in an apartment this fall. While the location of the apartments changed over the summer, as did who would be in the apartment, I knew I would have a place to stay this fall. During this time I urged Garrett to call the dorms, which I had heard were filling up, to reserve a spot for this upcoming semester. He blew it off until there was less than a month left until school started. The result? The dorms he felt acceptable, and that he could actually afford, were full.

So now his dad is angry with him. He doesn't want to really help Garrett go to this school so far from home and pay for it all. I believe it has something to do with the lack of motivation he views in him toward going back to school. Or it could be a number of other things. But the final message is the same: if Garrett wants to go back to school here this fall he will have to finance it himself.

His dad makes too much for him to receive FAFSA, or to get anything worth while from a federal loan. He also is lacking a steady job, a large bank account, etc. I doubt he gets any money from a bank loan if he applies.

So here is where my heart is torn. I worry he won't go back to school. I told him to just stay home if he has to, and to attend college out there. But that would still only be if he got some kind of loan. Without a loan I am unsure of how he would finance college at all. Part of me sees this as being his fault, and another part knows that sometimes procrastination- while it may seem harmless- can really bite you in the butt.

What will happen to us if we are still separated another several months by a two hour drive? Or if he isn't in school at all?

I love him.